The Confession of a Single Lady

I have always prided myself on being a strong willed woman but recently I fell short of my own expectations. Actually I let myself down.

What did I do? I slept with a married man. Rrrhhh! No! I didn’t...But I did have foreplay with one. Yes I said it; I let a married man have fun with me. Do I feel bad? Of course I do. Will I ever let it happen again? Hell no. but what surprises me is the fact that I let it happen. This is not the first time that a married man has made moves at me; infact it has gotten so bad that when a man approached me some time ago, the first question I asked was "are you married?".

"Yeah! It’s that bad now."

I don’t know why they are on my case, but come to think of it, they are on some many other young ladies cases too. personally thinking, I try hard to not carry the wrong vibe, I dress well, cover my body and since I know I have hips, I make sure I don’t look seductive.  But still once in a while there will still be one man or the other who will still look at me and all he thinks is sex. I can't change that but I can control my actions.

So back to my confession, this guy is pretty older than me, infact he is a man that I usually respect a lot. I guess that's why it felt weird that a man I look up to would hold me and demand for a kiss. Yeah! …A kiss. I should have said no! well actually I did but after a while I reconsidered. I did kiss him , I did let him touch me, he didn’t sleep with nor take off my clothes but I did let him touch me( well not that much sha!). 

I still can't believe it happened, I can't say I was swept off my feet, neither can I say I was in love. I know I wasn’t forced, neither was I paid off but the sad thing is that I let a married man have his way with me. I invited him to my house because I felt sad and depressed and needed someone to talk to. I called him earlier to complain (as usual) and when he noticed how down I was, he offered to come over. I didn’t think much of it…after all I needed the company and I really was in need of some advice. He arrived later and as usual started advising me. We chatted for a while and soon I was relived. I was happy he came to talk to me. With joy in my heart I offered him ice-cream. He accepted. We chatted more and even started sharing jokes, before long he asked if I wanted to dance; I declined but still he insisted. Not thinking it could be such an issue I agreed. He sang sweet melodies into my ears and we wallowed in the peaceful feeling in the room. I wasn’t going to pull away…this was comforting. My head resting on his shoulders with his hands loosely round my waist. He kept on singing and I must confess he does know how to sing for an elderly man. I felt good for that short while. Then his head moved to kiss me…I moved away in shock. I shook my head in disapproval. He insisted. Thoughts ran through my mind…"Kate what are u doing?" 

 

By now we are far apart, his face beginning to show disapproval…

" Kate come here I say “

am still shaking my head in Dejection. He is still calm, and the insisting goes on. 

 "Don’t you want to just feel good just this once?”,

"don’t you want to know what it like to be treated well?" 

well he was right, after all most of the men in my past have really been assholes.

I was curious. I wanted to feel good; I didn't want to feel sad anymore. So I moved closer and didn’t stop him any longer…

Ironically, after it all I felt worse than before. To make it sever, shortly after my very good friend comes to my house and meets this man there and if that was not bad enough she comes in with her husband. Hell would have been a better place than where I was at the moment but here was my predicament and I was forced to face it. Well I shoved it off .I acted like nothing happened, but who was I kidding. Sin was written all over my face. 

My friend did have a disapproving look but said nothing. That was great at the moment because really the last thing I needed was a condemning word. But by evening she called and made mention of her shame and regret of bringing her husband to my place to see such circumstance. 

She said "Kate, you are an adult, you have your life to live and bare your cross, but you are my friend and I won't see such and keep quiet”

She said” my husband was talking to me on our way back home and said “so your friend does married men?" 

 

To defend you, I answered saying “no she doesn’t oh!".

 

Then he said “but that man had a ring on his finger"

 

And immediately silence ruled the car. She couldn’t outer a word to my defend any more. But can I blame her? No I won't cause really do I do married men? It sure looks like it. But If I said that was the first time it ever happened, would her husband even believe me? No he won't. 

 

I put myself in that situation and I have given a very bad impression to a man whose new wife is my best friend. I can't take back his thoughts and since he isn't based in the country I don’t have enough time to prove him wrong either. 

 

I do feel bad and I wish I could change hands but I guess I made my choice and such I will live by it…

 

I am not encouraging young ladies to date married men, infact I am discouraging it. I shared this story so that ladies who have done so and feel ashamed will know that they are not alone and that even if you fall, you can still stand up. This could happen to anybody but just make sure it's not you cause seriously, it doesn’t pay to do a shameful act and then hate yourself for it, in this case you're fighting with yourself and sincerely that's a battlefield you really don’t want to be in. in my next coming posts I will be talking about "guilt", and " forgiveness" .  What they do to you and how best to live with it. Feel free to drop back soon.

 If you are feeling dejected or sad because you are not only dating a married man but sleeping with one too, just know that you can stop and in case you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. Have a lovely day.

Cheers,

Imoh Iniakpaniko

ff @imohspeaks